Classy. Sophisticated. Chic. What do all of these words have in common? Not Vanilla Ice.
But I’m sure you knew that, and that’s not why people love the guy in the first place. People love Vanilla Ice because.. he personifies.. well.. okay I’m not sure why people love Vanilla Ice, but I can say that this Robert van Winkle character is one of the most unintentionally entertaining performers out there; emphasis on unintentional. Vanilla Ice is to music what a good nut shot is to comedy. There’s no real premeditation or talent involved, it’s just a hilariously awesome spectacle that unfolds making us all laugh and then sigh sympathetically as we uncomfortably adjust ourselves.
With that said, I sure as hell wasn’t missing the opportunity to witness the hilarity of Vanilla Ice performing at the Grizzly Rose, one of Denver’s rowdiest music venues. This is a place where the world’s rodeo cowboys, Kevin Federline’s, meth enthusiasts, and wrinkled old ladies who smoke Virginia Slims three puffs to the filter can all get along. Well, until a dispute breaks out between two guys fighting over a girl with a bedazzled denim skirt. Both guys ended up handcuffed on the floor looking over their own pools of blood. Yes, this really happened. Damn skirt.
So in lieu of an afternoon spent looking at protein pancake recipes, I’ve decided the following list of ingredients is the most fitting way to compile the evening’s Vanilla Ice experience:
+ 1 electronic bull
+ 1 dash of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle childhood nostalgia
+ 1 aggressive clown spraying people with water (I hope it was water)
+ 1 middle-aged Vanilla Ice (He’s forty-fu*king-six!)
+ 1 DJ who looks like a poor-man’s Rufio welding sparks into the air
+ 2 parts domestic violence
+ 1bedazzled jean skirt
BOOM! You find yourself soaking wet and riddled with self-regret in the back of an Uber cab wondering how an aging Vanilla Ice just went harder than your favorite heavy metal band..
Below are some photos capturing the show. Note: We photographed the dispute and it’s bloody aftermath but were threatened with a court subpoena by the venue security and local law enforcement “if we publish them”. Next time..
PS Has anybody seen Vanilla Ice Goes Amish?
#VanillaIce at the #GrizzlyRose in Denver. Gallery up at lokimedia.co! #GoNinja #IceIceBaby